


Second time's the charm

by Chocoweeabo



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, I don't usually make them suffer but I felt evil today, I'm not good at tagging whoops, M/M, One Shot, Overdose, Probably ooc, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, You can tell I'm new, how do you use ao3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 13:26:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14695131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chocoweeabo/pseuds/Chocoweeabo
Summary: Connor's not okay.He finds a friend.He's still not okay.





	Second time's the charm

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not good at writing summaries but I try *sobs*
> 
> Also does Connor actually die here? Who knows :v

Connor layed on his white hospital bed, glancing around his room for the 16th time today.

Everything around him was white. All white. Sickening.

He didn't know who brought him there. He didn't know who wanted to save such a waste of space. And he certainly didn't know for what purpose he was given another chance to live.

**\---**

Just a few days ago, Connor Murphy attempted suicide.

On the night of his attempt, he'd stolen a bottle of medicine — he didn't bother to check what kind it was as long as it did the job— from his parent's medicine cabinet and ran to the park to do the deed. He contemplated bringing along his razor to add a few last cuts, but decided against it. He shouldn't taint the park's green healthy grass with his putrid blood.

For the first few minutes, he thought about nothing but darkness. Misery.

Then a person flashed into his mind.

Evan. Evan Hansen.

'Ah yes... Evan.' Connor thought around dark images that flooded his mind.

He fished his phone out of his pocket with shaky hands and blurring vision, and sent Evan one last message.

_'It was nice being your friend Evan. I'll see you on the other side.'_

The last thing he remembered before he blacked out was the sound of his phone vibrating.

**\---**

He had met Evan in the computer lab.

As the story goes, Connor got a little aggressive seeing his sister's name on Evan's paper and let his rage out on the boy.

Soon enough, he found Evan apologizing for whatever he thought he did wrong, when really, he did nothing wrong. He signed Evan's cast and they were back on good terms.

The first few meetings after that were just awkward glances and small greetings at each other.

But soon enough they gradually started talking to each other. Which then evovled to hanging out.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Everything went by faster than Connor had expected.

They would meet every lunch, and talk about various things. If not then after school or on weekends, the pair going to a different place every time.

For the first time, in a long time, he actually remembered how it felt like to actually smile.

But all good things must come to an end.

He started getting into fights with people who made fun of Evan hanging out with him or vice versa. He would come home injured from the fights. Which in turn then gave more reasons for his parents to yell at him. Evan didn't know about this.

He would have screaming matches with his parents late into the night. He wouldn't even bother treating his bruises that Evan would always question about the next day. But somehow, he managed to brush it off with a different lie every time.

After a month or so with this process repeating over and over and over, he couldn't take it anymore.

He wanted nothing more than for this to stop already.

**\---**

After a week more in the hospital, he was discharged.

Seeing his parents after his attempt made him sick.

''If they wanted me dead then why even bother showing up? Don't shit with me." Connor cursed under his breath, avoiding the glare of disappointment that Larry shot his way.

As they drove home, he glanced at Zoe who was sitting with him in the back seat.

Her face showed nothing. No emotions, no expressions, just nothing.

Seeing Zoe stare blankly out the car window somehow sent a pang of guilt flying at him for a split second.

She was always such a cheerful kid. Always smiling. Always so positive.

Until Connor started doing drugs.

From there, things changed. Connor got more aggressive, hurting anyone who pissed him off. Zoe started distancing herself from him, and refused to go near him. Since then, he never heard her call him 'brother' again.

A barely noticible frown reached his face as he turned his head and faced the car window on his side.

_'I really am a monster'_

**\---**

Soon after, he went back to his regular schedule of going to school every other weekday. Which he dreaded, but it was better than staying home and feeling eyes watching your every move.

Walking through the school's corridors, he could see and hear small groups of students whispering to each other's ears.

Every other day, it was still the same whispers.

_'Hey isn't that Connor Murphy? The guy to tried to kill himself?'_

_'I heard he killed someone.'_

_'I heard he was gay for this kid he hangs out with.'_

_'Omg really?'_

 

The brunette's eye twitched. He's heard them all. Speeding up his pace, he stormed into the male's restroom. Not having to worry about anyone else in there since the bell had already rang 5 minutes ago. And surely, anyone in their right mind would flee if they were in there. Who'd wanna be alone with Connor Murphy?

Looking into the mirror; an angered brunette reflected onto it.

They dare bring Evan into this?  
He could've gone and punched whoever said that in the face right there, but he didn't want to cause a scene. Not there. Not where Evan could have seen.

Evan.

"Evan." He muttered.

"Evan, oh my god Evan-"

Connor ran a hand through his untamed mop of hair, something he always did when he became stressed.

_'Is he okay? How is he? Did anything happen while I was out?'_

His mind clouded with questions, specfically, questions that involved Evan's well being.

Seeing as Hansen had severe anxiety and not to mention depression as well, he couldn't just dismiss the fact that something could've happened to him while he was at the hospital.

Connor's train of thought halted as he sensed someone enter the restroom.

His head immediately shot to the door, seeing a short hazel-haired teen wearing glasses.

He'd recognize that face anywhere.

"Kleinman!" He called and quickly approached the shorter individual.

He's seen him hanging out with Evan lots of times. He'd surely know how Evan is.

"Kleinman, can you tell me how Evan is? I nee-"

"Can you shut up Murphy?"

His eyes stuck to Connor with such hatred. Gone was that smug look and constant shit eating grin. Sure people hated him, but they never glared at him with this much anger in their eyes.

"Kleinman just tell me how Ev-"

"I said shut the fuck up!" Jared yelled.

"Not until you tell me how and where Evan is!" Connor was losing his patience. He needed to know how Evan was right this instant. Grabbing Jared by his collar, he pulled him closer to his face.

"Tell me how Evan is right now Kleinman or so help me-"

Jared simply ducked his head down, hands slowly balling into fists.

"Kleinman, fucking talk!" Connor demanded, his grip on Jared's collar threateningly tighter.

Jared clenched his teeth before looking back up at Connor, with the same anger filled face as before, but there was something different.

He was crying.

"You really want to know how Evan is, Murphy?"

Connor's anger was replaced with anxiety. Looking at Jared's face, he felt something was wrong. Horribly wrong.

He slowly let go of Jared's collar and faced him properly, trying not to let this panic he's feeling seep onto his face.

"Yes. Please. Tell me how he's doing."

"He's dead."

Connor's eyes widened as he felt all color drain from his face.

"...What?"

"I said he's dead Murphy."

"How-"

"After your attempt." Jared started, tear stained orbs avoiding Connor's stare. Connor stayed quiet. He didn't trust himself to form proper words right now.

"The doctors had told your parents that you had a slim chance of living. Evan, of course, was already beside you before your family even knew where you were. He found out first. He got you in there."

Jared halted for a moment, his oddly colored eyes finally looking back into Connor's own.

Evan had brought him there? Fuck, and he had thought about fucking punching the guy who got him in the hospital. This just made him feel more like shit.

"And Evan, as you probably know, let his anxiety run wild. He never knew what the word 'hope' meant." Jared continued, as more tears spilled from him.

"He ov-overdosed a few days after the doctor told your chance of living. And there, he was gone, d-dead." Jared's voice hitched as he finished.

Connor just stared, frozen on the spot. He wanted to cry. He wanted to bawl his eyes out right then, right there. But there were no tears. Was it because he really was a heartless monster like everyone said he was? Or was it because of the bubbling feeling in the pit of his stomach that was yelling at him, screaming that it was his fault, and his fault alone?

He didn't know. He let everything Jared told him sink in. This was all his fault.

"You could've done us a really big favor if you woke up sooner Murphy." Jared chuckled darkly as he shakily slid his hand into his back pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

"This was h-his note. You better take care of it 'cause I'm handing it to you." He brushed past Connor and into one of the stalls behind them. Connor heard muffled sobbing from the stall but his mind was drowning in too many thoughts at once to give a damn.

With shaky hands, he opened the note.

_'I know this is all too sudden but I can't bare to even breathe anymore. Everything is all too much and I can't keep going on like this. Mom, I'm sorry, I love you but when I'm gone, you won't need to pick up as many shifts as you usually do. You won't have to deal with an anxious teenager who can't even answer the door by himself. You can be happy living the rest of your life without me, a giant burden.'_

_'Jared, sorry that I can't help you with your car insurance anymore. But at least you can finally hang out with your real friends now without me bothering you for a ride home everyday.'_

Connor's eyes scanned lower down on the letter. He let in a sharp inhale as he spotted this name on a paragraph. He read down on said paragraph.

_And Connor. I know you won't be able to read this but I can't die peacefully knowing that I never let out what I've felt about you._

_It would've been nice to have spent more time with you. At first I thought you were what everyone said you were. A freak, monster, person most likely to shoot up the school. But they were wrong. You were kind. You treated me like I was normal. You didn't complain about the way I talked, or the way I overthink things, or even the way I suddenly go into panic attacks and that you had to help me out of every single time._

_I had fallen for you Connor. Your smile, your laugh, your hair, your height, your attitude, your habits, your imperfections. Everything about you was all that kept me alive and running. I had actually planned on telling you this before you went and offed yourself but it's too late for regrets now. I loved you and I still do. Goodbye._

_Sincerely, Me'_

Now Connor felt hot tears rushing down his cheeks like a waterfall. When had he started crying? He didn't know, he couldn't bother to know.

Storming out of the boy's restroom, he bolted his way out of the school and ran. He didn't have his car, he didn't have Zoe's keys to her car, so he just ran. To where? That, he also did not know. He let his feet take him to wherever he might end up at, a hand tightly gripping on Evan's note.

He lost track of time when he finally stopped running and found himself in front of the gate of an abandoned orchard. He looked up at the sky, it was getting dark.

The gate was locked, and he was too tired to climb over it so he leaned onto the gate and slowly sank to the ground.

Apparently all that running didn't help Connor to get away from the thoughts that purged his mind. The letter that was now crumpled in his hand feeling heavy in his grasp.

If he just wasn't that stupid. If he didn't try to go stupidly kill himself, Evan would be alive. Evan would have still been here. Evan wouldn't have left.

Well.

If Evan can do it right the second time around, well so can he.

He didn't process when he climbed the fence. He didn't process when he found the tallest tree and climbed it.

Sitting on the branch of said tree, he estimated that height was enough to get it done.

Taking a final breath, he looked behind him to see the setting sun one last time.

"You better be waiting for me over there Hansen." He muttered under his breath.

In his hand still, was Evan's note, all crumpled up. But at least you can still make out the few words he'd added at the back of the note.

_"Love you too Hansen. See you on the other side."_

Then he jumped.


End file.
